A MIXED-ROW

EFFECTS OF THE “CRATUR”-DOMESTIC INFELICITY-HEAD PUNCHING-

POLICE COURT-ETC.

[Welland Tribune, 16 February 1877]

In the town of Welland there lives a couple whose voyage over the sea of matrimony during the past dozen years or more has unfortunately been a squally one, especially of late. John, although a good-natured fellow withal, like Tim Finnigan, appears with a love for a drop of the cratur to have been born, and whenever he got any money and could elude the vigilance of his better half, he went off on a regular jamboree, taking in cargoes of the vilest “rot gut” that would have burnt the bottom out of an iron pot in less than twenty-four hours. But he was one of those remarkable but not uncommon cases who set at defiance the assertion of those who love to dilate upon the poisonous qualities of the beverages he loved to imbibe. His consumption of liquor was only limited by the exhaustion of his finances, yet he never got sick, and the next morning was apparently as sound as man could be. This; however, did not help the domestic finances any. Mrs. John attempted at sundry times to reform her recreant lord by instilling temperance principles into him with a potato masher and other domestic implements, but these generally ended disastrously to her, for John too often straightened up to take the initiative and upon several occasions forced the wife of his bosom to flee ignominiously from the scene of strife. This becoming monotonous, during the present winter she concluded to leave him for good, and applied to the town council for a maintenance, no doubt thinking that would be a good way of getting along. The “indignant” committee, however, refused her request on the ground that she was able to work and could get work if she wished,- and finally to work she went.

Last week, however, John, no doubt hankering after someone to love and caress with his fist, as had been his wont, meeting his wife on the street asked her if she was stopping at that_________applying an epithet reflecting upon the reputation of the place at which she was staying. Mrs. John went home and told her mistress, and she of course informed her husband of the insult, and he at once sought an interview with John, giving him the alternative of retracting his language or taking a thrashing. John refused to retract, so the aggrieved party struck from the shoulder, his bunch of digits slightly upon one of John’s organs of vision and affording the ground work for a personal decoration resembling a rainbow around his eye. John threatened the law, whereupon his assailant, no doubt thinking he might as well take the worth of his money, proceeded to administer a thorough pounding.

The scene was changed. Cadi Robert Lamont sat in the magisterial chair, and upon hearing John’s complaint, adjudged the punching party to pay a fine of $5 and costs-in all about $10. The defendant plead the insult given in justification, but it was of no use. The exponent of the law was intractable and threatened to commit to gaol, but finally took a more lenient view and gave time for payment.

We understand that the defendant has since appealed the case, and is also going for Lamont by circulating a petition asking the Lt. Governor to remove him from the Bench for want of qualification and other alleged irregularities in his mode of administering jurisprudence.