EMERGENCY MEETING, DOG ALLEY CONVENTION

[Welland Telegraph, 3 March 1876]

 Welland, Feb. 29

            Pursuant to call of the President (Charley) a special meeting of the great Dog Convention of the town of Welland met in Dog alley, this a.m.

             Present-The President; Uno, Secretary; Little Joe, Delegate; Ponto Skip, Towser, Prin, Bravo, Fred, Rover, Dr. Fly, Roger, Jim and Constable Sport.

             On the reading of the minutes of the last meeting the Secretary displayed great nervousness. Little Joe shook his head, making the jewelry on his neck rattle, so as to attract attention from all. Lawyer Jimmy commenced rubbing his paws, evidently thinking there was fun ahead, which would bring grist to his mill.

             A great pow-wow ensued, consequent on the astounding discovery that the Secretary had willfully altered the minutes to suit his political proclivities. At this juncture a wail of discontent arose, and Uno was summarily ejected from the convention, and was last seen entering the doorway at the head of the rickety stairs at the rear of that two storey brick block, which contains that great ear of Juggernaut, with his caudal appendage closely pressed to his nether extremities, and as he closed the door behind him a howl arose from the convention which bore unmistakable proof that his conduct received the entire disapproval of its members.

             Ponto was the appointed Secretary pro tem.

             Lawyer Jim then seconded the platform, and said that all present were aware of the scandalous action taken by the late Secretary, and in moving for the appointment of a new one, he would simply draw attention to the evidence adduced at the last meeting from Ponto, Prin, Bravo and Fred, and for the information of those who were not present at the last meeting, he would read over the said evidence. He then proceeded in a clear distinct voice to read over the testimony of the above canines, commenting thereon as he went along. He summarized the whole by stating that all agreed that it was some kind of a workshop where they were enticed into by offers of cake, &c., but at times they were summarily dragged in by boys, (without any hair on their face) while the man with the dark hair was invariably present (bow-ow). The difficulty seemed to be to locate the exact spot where these dastardly acts had been committed, and to definitely describe the perpetrators. He had, since the last meeting been busy, with the aid of the evidence then adduced, endeavoring to ascertain the name of the shop where these cowardly acts were committed, and on enquiry had found there was only one such establishment in that neighborhood, and there has been only one there for over fourteen months, and hence the question was to his mind, satisfactorily solved (bow-ow). The late Secretary had willfully and maliciously misconstrued the evidence and has laid the fault at the door of the wrong party, and restitution should be immediately made (bow-ow). He was sorry to hear that the man with the dark hair had left the town, and he had heard through his (the speaker’s) master that a Government situation had been bestowed on him that he May Govern the customs to better advantage than he did those rascally set of imps in his employ here. He had also heard it said that this dark haired man had a partner-a boy, apparently some 16 or 18 years of age, who was, no doubt, one of those alluded to by Prin in his evidence, (bow-ow). The speaker concluded his remarks amid uproarious cheers, by moving that Ponto be appointed Secretary in place of Uno who had been expelled.

             Dr. Fly, in seconding the motion, said he corroborated all that his learned brother of the bar had said, and would add that he considered any establishment what would allow tin pans to be attached to a canine’s extremity should receive the severe censure of the community. The guilt was, beyond doubt, fastened now on the proper party. The evidence was straightforward enough. There had only been one establishment of the kind in that neighborhood, and in fact, on that side of the street for over fourteen months and that was proof positive. And further, the dark haired man and the boy 16 or 18 years of age correspond well with the description given of the occupants of that one-horsed establishment, (bow-ow). He was happy to hear that they had made arrangements to leave the premises, and felt sure that after that convention would not be further troubled. The venerable doctor, who by the by, lost one of his feet in a battle for liberty, then resumed his position.

             The motion was then put and carried.

             Rodger, a new member of the convention who, though young, stood some six inches above any of the rest, then asked permission to address a few words. He said that on Monday last being called down to the Court House on business from his residence near the North School House, he was decoyed by a young man 16 or 18 years of age, who wore a light overcoat, up a flight of stairs in a two story brick building. As he was going up he heard a bell ringing violently on the street and a boy calling out loudly, something about an auction sale. Well, I was led through a doorway into just such a shop as has been described her today, where, a lot of type was lying around and soon a cord was attached to my narrative so tightly that I ran from his cruel grasp and bounded through the back door, which was open, and down the steps and thinking he was after me, I ran through Dog Alley and made for home. On my arrival there I found it was not he who was following me but a tin can daubed with, what my master said it was, printer’s ink was attached to the cord so as to strike my heels as I ran.

             At this juncture the manifestation to lynch or tear the boy to pieces was so great that Constable Sport had his scierice taxed to the utmost while a vote was passed with authorizing each member present to bite that beardless boy of the Tribune.

             The president then stated that this notorious practice would now be put a stop to, by reason of the guilty parties moving from the vicinity, he did not see the necessity of having such an organization, and would; therefore, on the dismissal of his meeting destroy the constitution by law and charter.

             The members then dispersed leaving instructions with the Secretary to hand a copy of the proceedings to the Telegraph for publication.

 Ponto

Secretary