“BONELESS” THE BOY WHO WAS TARGET FOR PRANKS AND JOKES

A Tale of The School Days of Long Ago

[The Welland Tribune and Telegraph, 18 January 1923]

            Boneless came into this world under very inauspicious conditions. His parents were not rich, but that mattered little, as no one was rich in those days. His father was a farm laborer receiving seven dollars and a half a month the year round and a hovel to live in free of rent. His mother was laid away beneath the sod of McColl’s cemetery when he was but five days old, and he was left to the care of a sister, eleven years old. True, for several weeks Aunty Sinclair, the neighborhood mid-wife, gave him her attention and quarts upon quarts of catnip and senna tea. Moreover, she never neglected an opportunity of visiting the home and rendering whatever of assistance as was necessary to the “wee bairns.” She was a kindly soul, who smoked her clay pipe beside the old fireplace in ecstatic enjoyment, when alone, and stuck its stem through her garter for safety and secrecy, when anyone approached her sanctuary. For the rearing of Boneless and numerous other newcomers to the neighborhood, she has her reward.

             Boneless was as plump as a roll of butter, and that was prodigious in plumpness before the fifteen-ounce print was invented. He had a nose inclined to be “pug” and sleepy, blue, lack-lustre eyes, and with long struggles with the erstwhile “sugar tit” acquired the habit of sucking his tongue, which habit he retained until well on in boyhood years. He was finally persuaded to desist by Susie, his sister-mother, who, touching his tongue with a drop of turpentine whenever she saw it make its appearance in its wonted role. He was slow to learn the process of walking, owing to a certain looseness in his joints, and when he had learned to walk was very clumsy and would fall on the least pretense and on account of the smallest obstacle in his path. This gracelessness followed him through life and applied to his every joint as well as to those of his nether limbs. When he was sent to school this feature secured for him the nickname Boneless, and that, too, remained with him throughout his life. His every habit of mind was colored with the same deficiency of which his companions took decided advantage.

             The school was a “tough” one, comprised of boys and young men (and girls too) whose only ambition was to learn to read a little, write their own names and “cipher” simple questions by simpler rules. Boneless was there to amuse their crude fancies and because of his easy disposition fulfilled their expectations. They made up races, the winner of which was to receive a jack knife worth about twelve cents. There were only two entries allowed. Boneless was one of these. The knife was buried deep in the earth at the finish of the distance and the best two in three to unearth it claimed it. The first two runs were a tie and the third was won by Boneless, but instead of the knife he plunged his hands into some sort of filth. He did not show anger or sorrow. He seemed to know instinctively that the whole thing was meant to be pleasant and went off to the pumps to wash his hands, laughing as loudly as any of them.

             The teacher was showing sly, but determined addresses to a young woman whose home was just across the road from the school house. Boneless was sent to her with the request, from the teacher of course, for a needle and thread and a button for his shirt. These he dutifully handed the teacher during school hours and was compelled to explain where they came from and for what purpose they had been sent. The teacher’s chagrin was not lessened by the fact that the button was needed, or by the titter which went round the room. Several boys joined Boneless in a taste of “the hickory” for this prank.

             Boneless was studious-he need be, and acquired a liking for history. One day the teacher had labored at considerable length and with much care to explain the why and the wherefore of the Gunpowder Plot. At the noon hour while he was absent to his dinner, the queries of Boneless concerning the how of the “plot” led to a practical demonstration. Some giant powder was secured and placed in a heavy earthenware ink bottle, a fuse was inserted and the neck of the bottle filled with brick dust well ‘tamped” into place. This was fastened under the teacher’s desk and the fuse run through a mouse hole in the floor. The arrangement was only completed when the teacher returned and seated himself at the desk. Boneless with unabated curiosity crawled under the floor to investigate the fuse and its influence on the fixture. “Six-foot” gave him a match with instructions and a warning to “come out lickety scoot.” He followed directions and the result was fearful. Several girls fainted; the desk was blown to fragments. But the teacher escaped personal injury. He was scared but not scarred, only loosing about two thirds of the left leg of his trousers. There were two or three suspensions over this affair, but Boneless was not one of them.

             Boneless had ambitions, though one could hardly guess it, they were so well controlled. But he had. He continued to attend at the old blue school house during the reign of some half score teachers- until his rosy features were hidden by a tawny beard, somewhat between a butternut and a sumac brown, curled up at the ends to match his pug nose. Then he taught school for two hundred dollars per annum, and saved so much of it and studied so persistently that with the aid Suzie’s savings gave him, and urged on by her encouraging faith in his powers, went to college, where he was still the same Boneless to his classmates. He shared a room with another and lived frugally, studying early and late. The only occasion which gave him a moment’s worry came to him during his college days. His room mate used to complain of his habit of studying audibly. His college mates knew of this complaint and urged him that the only manly course was for him to settle the difference by the use of arms. A challenge was prepared, which he signed, all arrangements were made with the complaint, who, of course, was in the secret. A lonely spot was found, pistols were secured, seconds were named, distances were measured, the combatants were stationed in their places and the word was given. Boneless closed his eyes and fired-a blank charge. His opponent fell. His vest was torn open, a bottle of red ink was spilled upon his shirt front, and when Boneless looked upon the work of other hands, he fled for safety. It was several days before he was located. Hunger drove him from cover. The joke was explained to him, and he returned to his studies.

             Oh, yes, I forgot. You wanted to know what became of Boneless. Well, he made a very good lawyer and is still practicing his profession. No doubt much of his success lies in his habit of mind being “Quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

CHARLTON