DOROTHY DIX: How Can a Man Tell if His Fiancé Really Loves Him?

[The Welland-Port Colborne Evening Tribune, 1 October 1931]

DEAR MISS DIX- I am a man of 40 engaged to be married to a woman of the same age with whom I am passionately in love, but I somehow feel that she does not care enough for me and I have not courage enough to put her love to the test. Tell me, does a woman need to be passionately in love with a man to make him a good wife and companion? This woman is most desirable in every way and would make a wonderful pal for any man. What should I do?

BILL

Why not apply a little common sense to the situation? Ask yourself why this woman should want to marry you except for love of you.

If you are a millionaire you might think that she is marrying you for your money, but mighty few woman marry for a mere living in these days. They can support themselves as well as the average husband is likely to do it.

Nor do women marry nowadays to keep from being old maids because the stigma has been removed from celibacy for women and the girl bachelor is oftener envied than pitied. Neither do women marry just to be amarrying and for something to fill in their time, and give them an interest in life, for in these days when every avocation is open to women they find plenty to do to keep them busy and by the time they are 40 they have settled down into congenial occupation.

The men of the past may have doubted whether the women they led to the altar married them for love and themselves alone, but the modern man can be very sure that the woman he marries is actuated by nothing but affection when she gives up her job and her freedom and her pay envelope and latchkey for him.

I don’t know how a man can apply any test to a woman’s affection that would determine either its quantity or its quality. In the end it is something that he has to take her word for. I often get letters from girls who say that men have demanded that they prove their love for them by living with them before they are married.

But this is no test of a woman’s love. It is merely a test of her morals and her principles and her intelligence. Any girl who is asked to give such a proof of her affection as that might well say with Lovelace as she refused: “I could not love thee, dear, so much, loved I not honor more.”

Nor can you tell whether a woman loves you or not by the amount of petting she bestows upon you. Some women wear their hearts upon their sleeves. Others do not. Some women are gushing and demonstrative with their affection. Others are reserved. But it is eternally true that still waters run deep and that those who love truly and sincerely do not feel that they have to be always parading their affection.

It always seems to me that the real proof of love is to found in deed, not words of endearment, nor kisses. Observe whether your fiancé thinks for of her happiness or yours. Whether she is more anxious to please you than to have you please her. Whether she adapts herself to you or expects you to fall in love with all of her ways. If she is selfish toward you, then she loves herself better than she does you.

I certainty think that companionship and congeniality and mutual respect make a mighty safe basis for marriage between a man and a woman of 40. After all, at that age, one is done with wild romance and of expecting fireworks and ready to settle down to the warm, steady fire on the hearthstone. So my advice to you is to forget all about testing the lady’s love and just take it for granted that she loves you because she says she does and is willing to prove it by marrying you, and let it go at that.

DOROTHY DIX

Sisters Comment: Love is fragile and often in our zest for finding the perfect mate, we lose sight of the beautiful qualities of the person standing before us. Give your bride the care and respect she so deserves and she will make you a happy home.